what's cookin' good lookin?
by Saotome Jin
Summary: AgonRui. Crack. Crossdressing. Pancakes. Unsui brainbreakage. slashy, if you couldn't tell


_A/N: moar crack for youse. Ended abruptly because I suck at ending things gracefully. o wellz. i hope your brains break from the mental images alone 8 _

The Kongo household rarely had visitors like Rui over; it was either fellow teammates or girls that populated the grounds, rather than a rival punk who led a motorcycle gang. But, for one reason or another--most likely having to do with some form of blackmail--Habashira was over, coerced into making the younger of the twins breakfast.

It started with a present, as it were.

"Turn around."

"No."

"C'mon. I got you that pretty outfit and you won't even show it off for me?"

"Keh.. Why the _fuck_ would I want to?! I'm busy."

Agon sighed and stood up, walking over to the stove where Rui was supposedly making the promised breakfast, though from the looks of things, it was just a pan full of pancake mix. Tch. Some breakfast. Though, he did look rather nice while doing it; he had somehow gotten the chameleon to slip into a frilly little maid outfit or something--he really didn't know what it was called--complete with a pink apron. All very nice, indeed. Agon slipped his arms around Rui's waist from behind, broad hands roving over his abdomen with little consideration, "Can't you make something else?" He said in a bored, almost disinterested manner, as though the only reason why he bothered speaking at all just to irritate the other boy.

It seemed to work. Rui stiffened and arched away, hands slamming down onto the countertop. He hissed, long tongue slipping past his lips, "What the hell you think yer doin'?! I'm trying to cook, damnit!" He held a batter-covered spatula menacingly, large eyes narrowing at the mention of his choice in food, "Keh. This is all I know how to make, so you'll just haveta' deal, all right?"

"Heh," Agon regarded the spatula with a quirked brow, leaning down and resting his chin on Rui's shoulder, "What're you gonna' do with that?" He allowed his fingers to rub at the fringe on the apron Rui wore, subsequently massaging his sides, which caused the shorter boy to arch back again. He rather liked that reaction and did it again, harsher than before, "You don't really look like you're in the position to be doing much threatening."

"Rghh..." A twitchy smile crept up Rui's thin lips. Fingers coiled tightly around the plastic handle of the spatula and he turned a bit, craning his neck down, "Oh yeah? Well, maybe I can do something like.." There was a brief pause before a batter-covered spatula met Agon's face, hitting him square in the nose with a satisfying _smack_, "That."

"..." Agon remained motionless, a splatter of pancake mix dripping down his sunglasses and sticking in his hair. It took a minute for him to realize what had happened and when he had, Rui's hand was grabbed and spatula was confiscated. "Tch," He scoffed, free hand shoving Rui over the counter by his hip. Rui choked on a gasp, frills of his little get-up tickling against his bare thighs. He clenched onto the counter and hissed again, moving to right himself, but instead was met with Agon's batter-smeared face in front of his.

".. eheh," Rui started to laugh, brow knitting in a mixture of anxiety and fear, the proper reaction to Agon's slowly creeping smile. The sunglasses made it difficult to fully read the expression, leaving Rui uncertain of what it was he was dealing with.

Given that it was _Agon_, one could speculate that it wasn't good.

"That wasn't nice, Habashira," Agon chuckled, holding the spatula tightly in his hand, obviously with ill-intent. He flipped the kitchen utensil around, flat edge moving down towards Rui's legs. The linebacker's head wrenched upwards and he stared, incredulous. Oh, he really _wasn't _about to do what he thought he was. He laughed again, a nervousness squeezing at his throat as he spoke, "Haha.. S-sorry?" It was all he could do to prevent a potentially embarrassing situation, regardless if he was honest or not.

Agon shook his head. The half-assed apology didn't seem to do _jack_; the spatula was making and upwards journey along the backs of Rui's thighs, leaving a sloppy trail of batter on his legs, and though it stopped at the ends of the short skirt he wore, it was not removed from the picture quite yet. "You should be punished for being so rude. Now, either you take it like a good boy, or I give you something worse.." He tapped the spatula against Rui's ass, suggesting for him to bend over.

"..." Crap. Why the _fuck_ did he have to get stuck with some freak like Agon?! ... A better question might have been "Why the fuck did he always press his luck with a known _sadistic_ freak like Agon," but no one was really keeping track, right? Rui just had that streak of malevolence that people like Agon just egged on and fed. Granted, Agon often bit right back, with equal fervor, making Rui regret ever messing with him in the first place.

This was a similar situation, as he bent over against the counter bitterly, never wanting to push his luck enough to find out if the "worse" punishment was, in fact, _worse_ or a bluff all together. Rui didn't have the backbone, or insurance coverage, to pursue such interests, so complying, despite his screaming ego, was the best route.

"Good...!" Agon said, sickeningly pleased by the turn of events, as it were. Rui sighed when the spatula left his ass, only to jump when a rough hand grabbed it and squeezed, lifting the skirt upward. "Now, hold still," He said calmly as ever, nothing more than a wry smirk on his face as he reeled his arm back and brought it down again, plastic flat-edge smacking against Rui's--embarrassingly--pantie-clad rear with an audible _smack!_

"Gah!" Rui jerked and gasped as his face flushed over, lip chewed on roughly. Well. That wasn't so bad. The pan beside him sizzled and a quick glance over revealed the pancakes burning. Rui moved to turn the burner off but was stopped by that firm hand on his hip.

"Wait, wait.." Agon's voice returned Rui back to Earth; of _course_ it wasn't going to end there. He could only be so lucky! But, no. Agon continued to hold Rui against the white countertop and he scowled, feeling the remainder of batter running down his thighs. Agon shook his head again and said as smoothly as ever, "You know, I just washed my hair, so I'm going to have to give you a little more punishment.."

"Oh, that's just great," Rui seethed, contemplating flipping the now-burning pancakes at him, just to make a statement.

As the two of them continued to banter back and forth, the smoke from the pan curled up towards the ceiling, black and bitter-smelling as it licked at the fire detector overhead. A few seconds more and a blaring, repeating _BEEP_ shook the two of them to attention. Agon scoffed, "Fuckin' thing. I thought I told Unko-chan to take the batteries out of it..." Rui squinted, opening his mouth to add a side-comment when the sounds of rapidly successive footfalls interrupted him.

"Agon, what's going o--..." Unsui seemed to be relatively unperturbed by the burning food on the stove and instead set his eyes on the Zokugaku punk bent over their kitchen counter, decked out in what appeared to be a maid's outfit. "..."

"Unko-chan!" Agon perked a bit, never once batting an eye as he raised the spatula up and waved it at his older brother in a scolding manner, "I thought you took the batteries out of that damn thing!" Rui looked as though he was going to burst into flames, right along with the remnants of the pancakes beside him.

"... I.." He paused, looking at Rui again before continuing, "No, obviously I didn't, Agon."

"Wah!" He mock-pouted, "Well, it's interrupting me!" He tapped the spatula against Rui's ass, smacking sound of skin and plastic causing Rui to twitch, his head hitting down against the counter. Unsui thought he heard him mutter, "Why me?" before he turned on his heel, deadpan as he said to his younger brother, "Right. Sorry," leaving the two to their activities.

Rui breathed a sigh of relief before Agon called back, "Oi, wait, Unko-chan! Can't you turn it off first?"

"...Geh." Rui's forehead would be very bruised later.


End file.
